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Here Without You
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| I Wish. |
| 02.07.05 (2:30 pm) [edit] |
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"If they can't accept you for who you are, then they really aren't your friends." - Mom
My mom ALWAYS says that to me, even now. It helps me get through times like these when my friends don't really like me anymore. I can tell you all don't like me, that's fine, I don't understand why. Maybe if you had good reasoning behind it, I wouldn't be so upset about it and I'd take it a little better. I guess that just makes sense. It just makes sense why you've all been so shady towards me, ignoring my IMs and not really caring what I have to say. You can forgive Andrew, but not me. Whatever.
I'll pick myself back up again
I'll live for now and for not then
I've never realized how lost I was
Until I found you, regained how happy I was.
My smile is showing again
Not like it was back then
Now you're there for me
And I can be the lover I want to be.
We all change in time, right? How we were a year ago can be completely different from what we are now. How is it I'm the only person on here who can forgive everyone else?
-Cade
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| Sobbing. |
| 02.04.05 (12:24 pm) [edit] |
Whoever invited Andrew's fucking boyfriend to this site, is an asshole.
I'm not depressed anymore, I don't have a fucking reason to be depressed anymore! I'm NORMAL, just like the rest of you, just with more piercings than any normal person out there. He's just an asshole who tries to tell us how messed up we are to cover up his own shit, fuck you. There are far too many idiots in this world and he happens to make up for them.
As for you assholes that fuck with Nasya too, you don't know her. Everyone judges Nasya so quickly, I don't understand why you judge her. She's a nice girl and she's my friend. If you have a problem with her, you have a problem with me, either way I don't care. Nasya is great!
Blatantly, Sobbing
I've watched everything around me
Everything was crumbling
It was the last time she'd breathe again ==
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| Depression and Anxiety. |
| 01.04.05 (2:21 pm) [edit] |
Cade's back in town from that lovely home I call a HOSPITAL. Yeah, it's been hell, but it's been life! I've recently tried to commit suicide due to my severe insecurities which layed within myself, I'm very alone...deep inside of my soul I have no one. I'm in isolation in my own home, bleeding on the walls it feels like to let myself out.
The sorrow within my soul
Isn't enough to...let it go...
I've held it...so long that I
I can't help it when I cry
I've lost it, I've lost my mind
The sorrow that kills me inside
I've never been there before
And I hope it happens once more
I've LOST everything IN ME
I've HELD you so close TO ME
That I, I can't HELP IT
WHEN I CRY
BECAUSE I HELD IT...
UNTIL I DIED INSIDE
I'VE lost EVERYTHING IN ME
Trash talked, I'm blind
I've been there once or twice or a few times
I understand you've got yours
And I've got mine
But I don't need this, I don't need to be alone
I dont want to be alone and I wish you
I wish you weren't so cold
I've LOST everything IN ME
I've HELD you so close TO ME
That I, I can't HELP IT
WHEN I CRY
BECAUSE I HELD IT...
UNTIL I DIED INSIDE
I'VE lost EVERYTHING IN ME
I've LOST everything IN ME
I've HELD you so close TO ME
That I, I can't HELP IT
WHEN I CRY
BECAUSE I HELD IT...
UNTIL I DIED INSIDE
I'VE lost EVERYTHING IN ME
Say goodbye, say goodbye
To everything I once did
Say goodbye, say goodbye
To everything we once HAD
Say goodbye, say goodbye
Because I'm dead now...
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| Sadness. |
| 08.01.04 (8:54 am) [edit] |
I know to never tell someone how I feel about them, EVER again. It only gets me into trouble, now she won't talk to me. I have my picture out now, if you want it, e-mail me. medi_cade@yahoo.com, thank you.
[LINE]
I haven't updated for good reason, I feel uncomfortable. I don't know what to say without crossing the line with someone. I like her, a lot. She makes me smile, I hate smiling. She knows how I feel about her, she doesn't feel the same way. I feel bad. She wrote a poem about me, she sounds angry.
[LINE]
I have a new piercing. I have my right eyebrow pierced. In my picture you can't tell that it's pierced. It shows my other piercings. I have tons of others though, below the area you saw. No comments as to where, but I have some. I feel special with my piercings, well....not really.
[LINE]
I went to the mall yesterday and bought a strawberry shortcake wristband. I think it's spiffy. It looks good on me too! I just need a t-shirt to pull off the look. I need a new chain, my other chain broke off my pants. I wore my handcuffs into public yesterday, I think I turned some heads. I dyed my hair, it's black. I think I'm going to do a few more things, but I'm not sure yet.
[LINE]
[mood - sadness :cry: ]
[music - Metallica;some kind of monster]
Cade
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| Sigh... |
| 07.25.04 (6:36 pm) [edit] |
I'm bored, tired, but also frustrated with everyone. I'm tired of the bullshit. I'm tired of the lies here. Why is everyone acting like they don't like eachother then being all buddy-buddy with them the day after? Why don't you make up your minds? I don't like when people talk shit about people to me because I love everyone. I'm friends with EVERYONE. I love you all dearly, but you're all nuts.
[LINE]
Molly is ignoring me. She's mad because I'm not begging her to be with me. I'm tired of putting my heart and feelings on the line for bitches like her to tear it out and stomp on it. I'm usually happy, not this time. She makes me sad, she makes me angry, I'm a good guy.
[LINE]
Sigh...
Cade
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| Because inside....I've died. |
| 07.24.04 (3:10 pm) [edit] |
I just read Andrew's entry. I AM a busy guy you know. My heart was broken into a million pieces it feels like. I've liked this girl for a long time, her name is Molly. She acts like she's interested, changes her mind fast. We've been friends for a few months, non-stop flirting. When I try to seal the deal, she tells me I mean nothing to her, jokes about it, tells everyone, my feelings get hurt...just like today. I've never done anything wrong to her. I treat her with respect, I get nothing in return. It hurts.
[LINE]
I'm sorry everyone, no good news today. I'm heartbroken, hurt, in major pain. I hate feeling like shit, seems that's all I'm worth....just...shit.
[LINE]
Anger, hate, frustration.
It's not my imagination..
I'm not crying...
I'm just screaming.
I'm not whining...
I'm just healing...
I don't know what to say or do...
I'm not like you.
I don't smile and walk away...
I'm here to prove to you that I'm going to stay...
I'll yell, I'll scream...
I'll sing...I'll dream.
What's there to say to you?
I don't have anything to do...
All I can see is...my reflection near by...
All the nights I wonder why...
I have no reply inside...
Because inside....I've died.
That was written by my friend Lori.
[LINE]
Cade
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| Yawn! |
| 07.23.04 (5:25 am) [edit] |
I'm bored. No one has been on so I have no poems to post, well a certain SOMEONE should get on so I can post something. Well, I'm bored. I'm completely bored. I'm hungry too and I just woke up. I need food but I can't make anything because I'm an idiot. I suck at cooking and I suck at everything. Well, not everything.
[LINE]
I had a good laugh with Renee yesterday. She was on a cussing spree on the phone. She sounds pretty hot, I recommend talking to Renee. Haha.
[LINE]
Today I'm supposed to meet up with a few friends and go to a skate park and laugh at them when they fall down, that should be fun!!
[LINE]
Cade
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| I'm lost in the moment |
| 07.21.04 (9:44 am) [edit] |
I'm bored at the moment, I'm talking to Amanda and Nasya on AIM. They're providing me with entertainment for the given time, soon they'll stop, and I'll be bored as I am right now. Damn you both.
[LINE]
I'm lonely. My friends think I'm gay because I'm too nice. What, may I ask, is wrong with being nice? Wouldn't you rather a nice guy over an asshole? Nevermind, women like the 'bad boys'. Real winners. They go out and sell their damn drugs, or buy them. I wish I were that special. Drugs are nasty, I hate marijuana, acid, coke, ew. What's so great about that shit? I find nothing great about it! I like being a nice guy, gets me places. My mommy raised me right!
[LINE]
Poetry
[LINE]
The days that drift away...
I've been swept off my feet.
Days going by faster,
Killing every second as our lips meet.
I'm lost in the moment,
I could hardly breathe.
Could anything be as magical as this?
I wouldn't let you escape.
I could look deep into your eyes...
They're closed.
I could grab your hands...
They're wrapped around my waist.
I knew then and there...
It was meant to be.
What would I do tomorrow if I lost you?
I think I'd die without you.
[LINE]
Again, another poem by a friend of mine. -Cade
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| Rekindle me as I'm falling |
| 07.20.04 (4:26 pm) [edit] |
I'm alone right now, I felt like updating. I just read another poem my friend showed me. I love the poems my friend gives me, I always post them. They're so mixed with emotion, bottled up into a single poem. That's why I love the whole series. If only she knew how wonderful she was at writing. Poetry is my favorite form of writing. I love reading it, I love writing it, I love rating it. I always ask that people rate the poems I post. They aren't mine, but my friend's. I won't always post the same person. I just seem to enjoy this certain person's writing right now. I won't disclose a name, it's personal. If they want you to know, they'll enclose it with you.
[LINE]
Poetry
[LINE]
Uninvited...
I disappeared to a darkened corner alone.
Unwanted...
I sat alone collecting my thoughts.
Ignored...
No one cared to listen.
Misunderstood...
I'm nothing but an angry child.
How do I stand out amongst the rest?
I, being the only one by myself.
Why are you all so close?
I'm not much different than any of you.
Why don't you smile at me?
I'm looked at as if I'm vapid.
Why don't you hold me?
I'm dying inside, isn't that clear?
Am I not human?
As I shake to myself.
Am I not family?
As I say to myself.
Am I not loved?
As I cry to myself.
Am I not your little girl?
The one you held when I was sick.
I must not be so special...
If all you do is neglect me.
That made me realize...
I'm not perfect in your eyes.
I like it a lot, it says a lot about the person. It says how alone they are, how they haven't a friend in the world inside their own home. You would think to be a firm believer of family being your best friends, they aren't. They seem rather unsupportive. I'll always be here for this person. I won't tell you who it is, however, if you do figure it out, leave the person alone about it. That's my only plead.
[LINE]
Cade
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| If you're not perfect, why should I be? |
| 07.20.04 (7:41 am) [edit] |
I just woke up a few minutes ago, my eyes hurt. I had enough sleep, it seems enough is never enough now. I'm not looking forward to a new school year, getting up is harder than ever. Imagine how I'll be getting up at 6 am again. That should be rather fun. I miss my friends though, if I actually have any.
[LINE]
California sucks. I don't understand how anyone can believe that living where it's warmer is better for you. You sweat every hour of the fucking day, you can't ever enjoy snuggling up under the blankets. It's a constant heat wave. Exciting, not. Then again, we do house all of the cool and totally rad surfer dudes man. Look at the tides! Gnarly! Sorry, had to stereotype for a second there. We DO have some of those.
[LINE]
I have my opinion on everyone hating eachother. I don't like it. I came back to this? Oh well, I can't change anything. I love everyone, I'll always love everyone. Cade is a lover, not a fighter! I haven't talked to Danny boy yet, he's my g-dawg. I miss Renee and Joleen, too. I already talked to Amanda and Andrew. I haven't heard from Cleo or Hayley yet. I love everyone. I never fucked with anyone when I was here several months ago. I missed tBlog. I'm done rambling about missing everyone.
[LINE]
New topic of today : Foreign people and their rapping. Sean Paul should have never received a record deal. You can't understand a single word the guy says, how is that good music? I've noticed there's tons like him starting out and have started out. That must be what's in now these days.... "Jibberish is the new Rock." Next, we'll have them trying to play guitar and scream in our ears. Now that'll kill me.
Attention Everyone : It's almost my birthday, I expect some money and presents. I love presents and stuff. I need a new belt. I want it to be a spiffy belt, I think I'll make it spiffy. I can do that you know. I can make stuff spiffy just because I wear it. I just have that whole fad going. Once Cade wears any item of clothing, it is now SPIFFY!!!
[LINE]
Cade
[LINE]
[u][b]Random Poetry...[/b][/u]
The blood on my hands...
Is a representation of my unhappiness.
The blade that rests in my palm...
Is my only companion.
Without a soul knowing who I truly am...
I rest here alone.
In my mind...I'm entering the darkness...
Nothing to hold me back.
I wish I were a superhero...
Maybe then I'd have a purpose.
I wish I were a superhero...
Maybe then I'd have a cause.
I'm unwanted...
I'm alone.
I'm scared...
I'm accident prone.
Who will call my name as I'm wasting away?
Not you.
Who will bury me as I'm wasting away?
Not you.
My last breath drawing near...
Nothing left to hold.
I'm not so scared anymore...
Nothing left to fear anymore...except fear itself.
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| Clocks are ticking. |
| 07.19.04 (11:36 am) [edit] |
-My time has come, the day I return.-
[LINE]
I'm sure you've all just missed me, plenty. I'm here again. I've missed my friends. I've missed just about everyone who I don't know either. Strange? I know. I'm watching cartoons out of complete boredom. Cartoons are quite interesting. I've always wanted to be a cartoonist, I have tons of drawings. Drawing is my favorite past-time. I'm making up my own character. He's a cowboy squirrel. Squirrel's are the coolest of animals. I wanted a pet squirrel before, couldn't catch it though. They're disease ridden. I have a new cell phone, I bought it yesterday. It's a camera phone. The chances of me taking pictures are slim. I just liked the phone, I guess. I don't have much to say at the moment. I found out some things today about Missy or Amanda, I'm cool with that. We're almost the same age. Well, I'm almost HER age. I'm going to be adding some countdowns to my site. Birthday countdowns, otherwise, I'll forget. I don't care if you don't like it. Give me your birthdays so I can add them. Thank you.
[LINE]
Cade
[LINE]
The clocks are ticking...
As we settle as one...
My mind's gone crazy...
Give me another drink, I'm gone.
I listened for your words...
The only words who made me sane..
I could only see the darkness...
The only sound being the rain.
Why won't you speak to me?
As I'm begging for your voice..
What's wrong with me?
Leaving you...was my choice.
I drank too much..
I was losing my balance and sense.
You ran away from me...
As I clung to the fence.
Why didn't you say goodbye?
I questioned in my drunken mind.
Why couldn't you kiss me?
This nonsense has made me blind.
I lost my only friend in this world.
My insanity was blatant.
I was wet...
The tears that ran down my cheeks were constant.
I let go of you for the last time.
How do you take back words you once meant?
I was no longer stable.
I was...spent.
My friend wrote that, refused to enclose her name.
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Days until Amanda's 19th birthday.
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